True to you or true to me?

I’m socially phobic. This is not just some random label I’ve taken on myself. My therapist and probably even my professors can testify to it. So obviously, this is a problem in a woman who is studying to become a therapist. I’ve come a long way but I am still not comfortable enough to really effectively work with people. This may change even more before I graduate but still it is not a strength I have. My strengths come from research, reading, writing, analyzing, putting together new information and associations, and passion, oh yes, I have boat loads of passion for learning new things, psychology, Art Therapy, and the human condition. And I have such empathy for people; I want to help them.  Over the past few days, since my last appointment with my therapist, I have been struggling with what we had discussed. She said that I can’t work with people in the same ways that my classmates can. I can’t work with people in the same way that she, my therapist, can. My therapist is a people person.  I, she said, am not.  I am an idea person.  She equated me to someone like “Abby Sciuto” (Did I spell that right?) in the t.v. show NCIS. Brilliant but out in the field??? She said, Steve Jobs knew he needed people around him that were better than he was at relating to other people.  Steve Jobs was the idea man.  Anyway. I have been quite distressed about this. Why can’t I ever do what everyone else is doing?! Why am I never like anyone else? Why can’t I just fit in? Why can’t things ever be easy for me? Why can’t I do what is expected of me?  I don’t care about having the knowledge half so much as being able to relate to people easily and comfortably.  I so want that connection.

My heart has ached and continues to ache because I am unable to do what the women I have idolized have done.

Then this morning, as I was getting dressed, I spied the poster I’ve had hanging on my bedroom wall for quite a while. It is a poster I made for…I think it was my Issues in Art Therapy class. We were instructed to create our ideal therapeutic space based on the ethical guidelines laid out by the AATA (American Art Therapy Association). My classmates came in with some really spectacular drawings all more or less standard drawing paper size. Me? I came in with a poster collaged with images of a window fronted A framed building surrounded by other images of zen pools, long outdoor dining tables, wide open spaces, terrariums, drawing tables, books, terra-cotta tiles, intimate sitting areas and flashy bar chairs pulled up next to marble or granite counter tops… It was beyond the four walls and art supplies drawings of many of my classmates. I was kind of embarrassed to hang mine up next to everyone else’s. Then when it came time to discuss mine one of my classmates put her hand up and said, “Yes. To all of that.”

This morning I looked at this poster and thought, “I could do that.” I could put together this retreat based on the principles of Art Therapy, trauma-therapy, healing, hope, being one with nature and ourselves…I could host so many skilled and talented therapists and artists who can get in there and do the hard work in ways that I want to but can’t right now. I can create the ideal space in which to do this hard but oh so necessary work. And since the profession is struggling for its place and legitimacy right now I can include research space. The research space would help to develop the strength the profession needs and deserves. It would be a place of education, insight, and hope for practitioners or anyone else interested in the human condition. Most of all, this place of mine would be one of healing, retreat, and living soulfully.

But I Do

In session with my therapist last week I related something I did the week before.  I bought a couple of packets of stickers.  They are of the World Cup teams.  I bought them on a whim.  I’m not a sports fan in general so it was kinda a pointless purchase.  This was new to me because in the past I would have beaten myself over such a silly and purposeless purchase.  This time I didn’t.  I was even able to laugh at myself, “Why the hell did I buy these?” I giggled, even though I could hear the little girl inside of me exclaim, “Oooo! Stickers!”

This incident lead to a discussion of how I talk myself out of feelings; what I should and shouldn’t want, need or feel.  I realized this week that I do this not only with negative feelings but with positive feelings.  For a long time I have operated as if knowing the whys, hows, and wherefores of what I was feeling, I could change it, as if it needed changed.  I have done this with trying to reason myself out of my frequently painful and fearful relationships in my immediate family.  I shouldn’t feel scared.  I shouldn’t feel hurt.  I believed that it is unfair to my family for feeling the way I do but in the end it does not change the way I feel.  I’ve been more forgiving of myself in allowing myself to feel these “negative” emotions.  But I haven’t before applied it to positive feelings.

Yesterday, I realized that knowing the whys and wherefores of how and why I feel a certain way does not stop me from feeling the way  I feel, nor should it necessarily.  I applied this to what I have labeled as transference feelings I have toward my therapist.  I enjoy her as a person, her humor, her empathy, the few significant glimpses I’ve gotten into her “real life,” and strongly wish we were friends.  Our personalities work so well together.  And yet I also recognize that what makes my relationship with her so different is the support, the rawness, the empathy, I do not and have not gotten anywhere else.  With her I am the most comfortable I have ever been with simply being me, the hurt, the whole, the funny, the strong.  I feel appreciated…and I feel an overwhelming sense of gratitude and regret because I know eventually this relationship will end.  It scares me and leaves me desperately sad sometimes.  But anyway, back to my point, in the past I have tried to talk myself out of these feelings because “they aren’t real.” As transference feelings “they aren’t real.”  But I am realizing now, who says they aren’t real?  They are real because I feel them.  And yet I resist being hurt, as I feel I will inevitably be, and so I deny myself an essential part of the relationship.  I tell myself consciously and unconsciously, “Don’t drop anchor here.  Don’t get too comfortable.”  “You can’t feel this way.  You shouldn’t feel this way.”  But I do.

Black, White, or Gray

This is something I have been struggling with for a while.  Social attachment.  Romantic attachment.

The first guy I asked out was to prom in high school.  He was already going with someone else and he was gay besides.  He was smart though and I admired him.  The second guy I asked out in a rather round about way.  He was older than I am by 13 years and I gave him a holiday card with my phone number in it.  I liked and admired him and we “went out” off and on for close to two years.  We were really more like “friends with benefits.”  I took pleasure in the fact that he was older than I am and I had the privilege of being part of his private life.  I really wanted him to like me and since this was my first ever relationship or “boyfriend” or date, I was honest in everything I told him.  I knew instinctively I didn’t want to be one of those girls who “played games” and left their partners confused, frustrated, or upset.  Looking back on it now, even though he is a really nice and caring guy, I feel like I know he had no “real” feelings for me.

I make this point because I am struggling with a situation right now where there are a couple of guys attracted to me, one of whom pursues me even though he is aware of my nonexistent feelings towards him.  I like him as a person and a friend but there is no emotional connection there.  I like talking to him.  He wants there to be an emotional connection and I feel like something is wrong with me because I don’t have “those feelings” and have never had “those feelings.”  By “those feelings” I mean the feelings that come as part of a normal healthy relationship.  I feel emotionally disconnected.  As I told this particular guy, if he just suddenly stopped talking to me I wouldn’t feel anything.  It would be a shoulder shrug.  “Oh well.”

Through his description of his feelings, I know what it is like to be on that end of things.  To like someone so much but at the same time know they don’t feel the same way about you, or feel that you can’t feel that way about them.  Attachment in social relationships as well as the therapeutic relationship, is a difficult thing.

So I am left to wonder, will I ever be in a place where I am healthy enough to make connections, real connections, with anyone, romantic or otherwise?  What keeps me from making those attachments?  How do I learn to give up a little part of my emotional self to share with someone?  To forget myself while at the same time being utterly and wholly myself?  Or is it perfectly okay that I don’t feel anything for these guys?  As I have put it before, will I ever be in a place where I feel a part of the whole instead of apart from the whole?

The therapeutic relationship is different.  I feel like I can be there for people, empathize, and support them, ache with them, ( I think that is what is attracting these guys to me) but there is always that little bit of professional detachment.  That is what I feel in most social relationships.  How do I separate myself from it so that I can connect emotionally in social settings?

Test of the Unknown

Later this afternoon I have a meeting with my professors and I am nervous (surprise, surprise).  One professor I know.  She’s been my professor for three plus years.  The other professor is new and is the new program director.  We are meeting to discuss my plans for the fall.  Since I’ve been “away” from the program for a semester I need to get back into the swing of things.  I know some of what I need to do to set up an internship for the fall but I want to check in with them.  I want to know more of what to expect.  But over the past week or more I have been anxious about preparing and doing what I need to do for this meeting.  But what is that?  It has been like studying for a test when you don’t know what the test is going to be on.  I want to pass.  I want to make sure I have done everything I need to do and they won’t just sit there and look at me.  “Well?”

I told someone that I want to make a good impression on them, the new professor especially, and was told that it is just as important for them to make a good impression on me as it is that I make a good impression on them. Thinking of that, it does empower me a little bit to ask for what I need, clarifications, directions, and feedback.  And it does take a little bit of the weight of responsibility…not sure if this is the right word…for making sure this meeting goes well.  It’s not all on me.

I’ve done a lot of work during my semester off.  I just hope it has been enough for me to really take advantage of my internship experience this fall.

More than anything I am afraid of being told, “Nope.  I’m sorry but you just don’t have what this profession needs.  You still need to do a lot of personal work.”  It hurts to be told you do not belong to a group of people you admire and know or hope you are right for.  “Sorry.  Not good enough.”  But I can take comfort in the fact that it was unusual for a student to be “dismissed” from their internship and I can take comfort in that every now and then I have this “Let’s do this!” confidence about internship.  At other times I just want to find a place where I can learn and practice easily, without all of the anxiety I carry.  I know what I know.  I know I am smart and creative and I just have this problem with trusting myself.  And I am afraid of others.

When Progress is Scary

My therapist texted me Friday night to arrange our next appointment.  She said she had time available Monday or Friday morning.  Since my last appointment was on Thursday I thought, “Okay, I can do Friday.  Monday is only 4 days from my last appointment.”  So I texted her that I would take the Friday appointment.  I thought, “No big deal.  A week between appointments.  I can do that.”  But almost as soon as the appointment was set I began to second guess myself.  I thought that “I’d like to see her on Monday but four days between appointments, what would we talk about?”  Though we’ve never had a problem with finding things to talk about.  Then I began to think that I don’t want her to think I don’t need or want her anymore.  After a few “good” sessions where she has stated I’m “on the right path” and making “progress” I am not ready for our relationship to end.  I still need and want her.  I don’t want to be left yet.  There is absolutely no indication that this will happen anytime soon but still, I am afraid.  I am afraid that if I don’t hold onto all of the sessions I can, she’ll think I’m ready to cut ties.  I am afraid of being abandoned.  Don’t leave me.

Besides all of that, I genuinely enjoy her.  She’s funny, and smart, and kind, and bold, unafraid of being herself, true to her beliefs, unafraid of confronting her clients and asking the hard questions.  I cannot help but want to know more and wish I were allowed the privilege of friendship.  A no-no in the therapist/ client relationship.  But I welcome the little glimpses of real life I get.

A friend of mine said that friends can be therapeutic too but I can’t help but feel it is not the same, at least for me, yet.  It’s not the same.  I don’t know if it’ll ever be the same.

Reassurance

Sometimes I wish I had a friend, like my therapist, I could check in with each day or every couple of days.

Namaste

A lot has changed for me over the past couple of weeks.  Some personal realizations have given me a new sense of freedom, contentment (even if fleeting), and the beginnings of, dare I say it, confidence.  I just hope I can continue to hold onto these good feelings.

This week I start my art therapy internship, something I have been working towards in one way or another for almost 5 years, ever since I discovered art therapy as a profession.  Because I chose this path I cannot help but be excited by it even if I am more than a little nervous about it.  Even though I am nervous about my abilities I’m excited to interact with people in a helping capacity and I am excited about working with people through art.  Sometimes my excitement leads me to wonder whether I am one of those people who believe humans are inherently good.  I’m pretty sure, at least, I am not one of those who believe we are inherently evil.

Through my experiences in my art therapy program, friends I have made moving here, in the program and at the gym, and most especially with my wonderful therapist, I think I know what it is like for one soul to meet another soul and for both to be changed or moved for the better by the encounter.  That, overall, is what I hope to achieve no matter where I go in life.

Constant Craving

Well, I’ve been trying to incorporate what my therapist and I have been talking about.  I’m normal.  There is nothing wrong with me.  I was really happy yesterday for the most part.  I felt good.  Today, not so much.  It’s like coming down from a high (or at least how I imagine it would feel like).  From time to time things are still glowy around the edges but I can feel my anxiety and it feels like I’ve sat down hard on the cold, unforgiving ground.

I’m lonely.  I know the only constant in anyone’s life is themselves.  But I am not feeling strong enough for that yet.  I want a kind, caring, loving, supportive, constant, presence, someone to comfort me when I struggle to go on.  Someone to ground me.  Someone to hug and hold me.  I want to be someone to look forward to seeing me as much as I look forward to seeing them.

Just like I told my therapist that I am not yet confident enough to ask for what I need, I am not sure enough yet in myself to rely on myself for that care and comfort.  Besides, “K” says it is something we all need.  As humans we need other humans.

I just don’t feel right asking for what I need from people I admire.  I am constantly drawn to people I see/ feel in mother/ older sister/ mentor roles, like my favorite gym trainer, or my bosses sometimes, or teachers, or my therapist, my Aunt, one of my favorite cousins…  Part of me feels like I can’t ask for what I want/ need emotionally from these people.  There are so many shoulds and shouldn’ts.  For example, as much as I might want it, I can’t be “friends” with my therapist.  I need this connection with someone but I fear being hurt which is why I find withdrawal of affection or whatever, so devastating.  (Like this slow withering of whatever kind of friendship I had/have with my trainer.)

I told my therapist once that one of my highest aspirations in school was to be “teacher’s pet.” We agreed it is/ was because I didn’t get what I needed at home.

Touch

Typically I am a very nervous and anxiety ridden person.  This is evidenced by many different things.  At work I tend to ring up customers as quickly and efficiently as possible which can be a good thing but I frequently have customers who tell me to slow down and take a deep breath.  Anyway therapy sessions are no different.  Even when I am sitting down I am constantly moving and fidgeting.  I pick at my nails and sometimes it is almost as if my whole body is humming.

Anyway last session, towards the end of the session, my therapist leans over and says she wants to try something.  She reaches out and asks me to give her my hand.  She holds my hand as if we were about to shake hands, and bends her head as if she were praying.  We sat that way for a few seconds.  I was nervous at first but felt myself relax into the experience.  When my therapist let go she said that except for a slight waver in the beginning there was none of the excess energy I normally display.  She said she wanted to see if she could feel the anxiety evident in my normal behavior.  She asked me how it was for me.  I told her honestly that I was nervous at first but that it felt good.  I rather bland comment, I wasn’t sure of the statement that it felt good until I amended it with the comment, “I don’t know.  I am not touched very often.”  The truth of that admission made me realize how big of an impact simply holding my hand made on me.

For someone who isn’t as self-aware as I am, for someone who is not as…regulated as I am, I can see how potentially confusing such an experience would be.  But for me…almost two days later, I am still marveling at how much meaning a simple hand holding can have.  My inner child is clinging to the experience and the adult part of me is having a hard time trying to discourage or reign in such unrealistic expectations.  It is really difficult for me, even knowing what I know about my experiences and the therapeutic process, to keep separate my inner child from the adult world.  Like my therapist said, in reference to something else, I have to learn to seek emotional nourishment from within myself.

Things I Don’t Like at the Grocery Store

First of all, we all do these things, even me.  As a cashier, I complain but I do them too sometimes.

The light above my register is off.  My closed sign is up.  People still ask me if my line is open.

Customers who like to pile their groceries high, like it is a game of Jenga.  It is not helpful to me to have to pull down a tower of paper towels.

Customers who throw down their keys and expect me to find their store card.

Customers who stack their card on their groceries and hide their coupons in with the groceries.

Customers who hold their groceries back on a moving belt.  The belt will keep moving until there is something to block the sensor.

Customers who constantly touch and move their groceries after they are on the belt.

Customers who front load their groceries.  As soon as I pick something up off of the belt it is replaced by another item.

Customers who stack their items on the belt to the absolute limit so that the items have a tendency to fall across the scanner when I haven’t finished with the previous customer.

Customers who thrust their store card in my face when I haven’t finished with the previous customer.

Customers who see my open lane with no one in it and say things like, “Are you waiting for me?” “You look bored/ lonely.” “Are you open?”  Do you know how many times I have to hear this a day?

Customers who put their hand basket on the belt without unloading it.  I’m short.  Do you know how much of a pain it is to reach up and over the edge of the basket?

For the express lane:  The sign reads ’12 items or fewer’ and not ‘the rules don’t apply to you’ and certainly not ’12 items plus or minus 24 other things.’

For the love of God, if you don’t want something, hand it to me and don’t stick your can of hair spray in the candy rack.

Seriously, the line is 6 people deep and you have one item?  Learn to use the self scan check-out lanes.