My therapist texted me Friday night to arrange our next appointment. She said she had time available Monday or Friday morning. Since my last appointment was on Thursday I thought, “Okay, I can do Friday. Monday is only 4 days from my last appointment.” So I texted her that I would take the Friday appointment. I thought, “No big deal. A week between appointments. I can do that.” But almost as soon as the appointment was set I began to second guess myself. I thought that “I’d like to see her on Monday but four days between appointments, what would we talk about?” Though we’ve never had a problem with finding things to talk about. Then I began to think that I don’t want her to think I don’t need or want her anymore. After a few “good” sessions where she has stated I’m “on the right path” and making “progress” I am not ready for our relationship to end. I still need and want her. I don’t want to be left yet. There is absolutely no indication that this will happen anytime soon but still, I am afraid. I am afraid that if I don’t hold onto all of the sessions I can, she’ll think I’m ready to cut ties. I am afraid of being abandoned. Don’t leave me.
Besides all of that, I genuinely enjoy her. She’s funny, and smart, and kind, and bold, unafraid of being herself, true to her beliefs, unafraid of confronting her clients and asking the hard questions. I cannot help but want to know more and wish I were allowed the privilege of friendship. A no-no in the therapist/ client relationship. But I welcome the little glimpses of real life I get.
A friend of mine said that friends can be therapeutic too but I can’t help but feel it is not the same, at least for me, yet. It’s not the same. I don’t know if it’ll ever be the same.