I hate, hate, hate, how often I second guess relationships and their importance to the other person all of the time. I hate this intense fear of rejection I have. For once I would like to be confident in a relationship, a friendship, that I strongly value. I want to know that, no matter what, I have a secure base, a secure relationship to fall back on. I just want someone to be there to hold me and take care of me to a degree. I don’t want to be afraid to be exactly who I am or express exactly what I feel. I don’t want to think all of the negative things I think. “Oh she’s just a someone I know. She’s actually rather clingy and it is annoying how she always seeks me out. It is like she thinks we’re close friends or something.” I want someone or something to depend on. I want to be pursued instead of feeling like I am the one latching onto someone who doesn’t feel the same way about me.
What I need is a therapist who can provide me with the validation, the “holding environment,” and the freedom for the time to be just about me. I need that secure base. More than anything I need to feel safe to express the emotions I have suppressed for so long. It is so so so incredibly indescribably lonely not being sure of any important relationship and not feeling emotionally safe to be human.
In my studies for art therapy this week I read a section of one of my textbooks about how important just witnessing another person is, whether that is during an art therapy session or not. Just being there, another person’s presence is validating in its own way. It is still a hard concept for me to grasp sometimes because although I feel its truth, I had a hard time just sitting with my child volunteer during my Art Therapy with Children course this past semester. I felt as though I should be doing something and I was afraid she would feel self-conscious with me just watching her. I think if I were to get emotional during a therapy session I would want comforting, not comforting per se but…a recognition of the pain I was in. And I am not sure that I would necessarily get that unless I was with a friend instead of a therapist. Again on the fear of rejection I would be afraid of the therapist not liking me. I am that in need of external validation.