Constant Craving

Well, I’ve been trying to incorporate what my therapist and I have been talking about.  I’m normal.  There is nothing wrong with me.  I was really happy yesterday for the most part.  I felt good.  Today, not so much.  It’s like coming down from a high (or at least how I imagine it would feel like).  From time to time things are still glowy around the edges but I can feel my anxiety and it feels like I’ve sat down hard on the cold, unforgiving ground.

I’m lonely.  I know the only constant in anyone’s life is themselves.  But I am not feeling strong enough for that yet.  I want a kind, caring, loving, supportive, constant, presence, someone to comfort me when I struggle to go on.  Someone to ground me.  Someone to hug and hold me.  I want to be someone to look forward to seeing me as much as I look forward to seeing them.

Just like I told my therapist that I am not yet confident enough to ask for what I need, I am not sure enough yet in myself to rely on myself for that care and comfort.  Besides, “K” says it is something we all need.  As humans we need other humans.

I just don’t feel right asking for what I need from people I admire.  I am constantly drawn to people I see/ feel in mother/ older sister/ mentor roles, like my favorite gym trainer, or my bosses sometimes, or teachers, or my therapist, my Aunt, one of my favorite cousins…  Part of me feels like I can’t ask for what I want/ need emotionally from these people.  There are so many shoulds and shouldn’ts.  For example, as much as I might want it, I can’t be “friends” with my therapist.  I need this connection with someone but I fear being hurt which is why I find withdrawal of affection or whatever, so devastating.  (Like this slow withering of whatever kind of friendship I had/have with my trainer.)

I told my therapist once that one of my highest aspirations in school was to be “teacher’s pet.” We agreed it is/ was because I didn’t get what I needed at home.

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