Well, I’ve been trying to incorporate what my therapist and I have been talking about. I’m normal. There is nothing wrong with me. I was really happy yesterday for the most part. I felt good. Today, not so much. It’s like coming down from a high (or at least how I imagine it would feel like). From time to time things are still glowy around the edges but I can feel my anxiety and it feels like I’ve sat down hard on the cold, unforgiving ground.
I’m lonely. I know the only constant in anyone’s life is themselves. But I am not feeling strong enough for that yet. I want a kind, caring, loving, supportive, constant, presence, someone to comfort me when I struggle to go on. Someone to ground me. Someone to hug and hold me. I want to be someone to look forward to seeing me as much as I look forward to seeing them.
Just like I told my therapist that I am not yet confident enough to ask for what I need, I am not sure enough yet in myself to rely on myself for that care and comfort. Besides, “K” says it is something we all need. As humans we need other humans.
I just don’t feel right asking for what I need from people I admire. I am constantly drawn to people I see/ feel in mother/ older sister/ mentor roles, like my favorite gym trainer, or my bosses sometimes, or teachers, or my therapist, my Aunt, one of my favorite cousins…
Part of me feels like I can’t ask for what I want/ need emotionally from these people. There are so many shoulds and shouldn’ts. For example, as much as I might want it, I can’t be “friends” with my therapist. I need this connection with someone but I fear being hurt which is why I find withdrawal of affection or whatever, so devastating. (Like this slow withering of whatever kind of friendship I had/have with my trainer.)
I told my therapist once that one of my highest aspirations in school was to be “teacher’s pet.” We agreed it is/ was because I didn’t get what I needed at home.