Feeling like I have to make myself “better” this morning. Exercising, reading, cleaning. I have cleaning in mind because if I ever get a cat I’m sure there are a lot of things for her to get into. There is a lot of stuff that has just been sitting around because I don’t want to deal with it or I keep putting it off. Goodwill clothing donation, papers to pick up, purses to finish cleaning out…
Part of me wants to talk to my therapist but I don’t know what about or why. Part of it is just wanting to hear a friendly voice and because she told me I could call her if I needed. I want to reach out to her but the boundary thing scares me. It is the boundary that says, “A therapist can be called in between appointments for brief phone consultations but the therapist has to be aware that this privilege is not taken advantage of.” She already extends so much of her time for me. But the logical part of me says she wouldn’t offer if she didn’t mean it. But another part of me says, she’s a therapist, not a friend to call up simply because you are lonely or in need of sympathetic human contact. The logical part responds, “Isn’t the therapeutic relationship where clients test out new behaviors and new ways of being?” I have so much difficulty making phone calls to people just calling, reaching, and talking to her would be a huge accomplishment on its own.
I keep thinking about the “honesty” thing my therapist noted during the session before last. Honestly, I’m afraid she’ll think I can’t afford a cat and will be like Mom when Mom thinks I’ve made an unwise monetary choice or I’m even considering an unwise choice. I’m hard enough on myself; I don’t know how I’d handle that kind of disapproval. I keep imagining beating myself up for wanting something I “should’t” want or have. And again it feels like a value judgement. Jesus, transference issues much?
Honestly, I am afraid to call her without really having a reason.