It’s Spring Break, I’ve taken the week off from work, and I am going to visit my Mom this coming week. When I let my therapist know that I was going out of town she said if I wanted to she could see me early in the week before I left just to check-in and talk about coping skills. Since I am planning on leaving on Monday though I won’t have time for an appointment. When she suggested getting together before I left, I didn’t think a lot of it. Of course, I didn’t like thinking of missing a week but it wasn’t too big of a deal. Just this morning though when Mom and I clarified our plans and it was clear I wouldn’t have time for an appointment I was disappointed and saddened. I will miss the support. I will miss the interaction with a person I really value. I will have to wait until I get back.
I kind of feel like how I imagine someone just learning to walk would feel. Can I really do this? I’m scared. What if I fall? What if I get hurt? It’s lonely out there. Tell me I can do this, tell me I’m okay.
But it is just Mom, right? It is seeing my cat. It is seeing my sister. It is going shopping and being on vacation. What is there to be afraid of?
Whoa. I just did something that was really…an overreaction. For about 15 minutes or so I thought I had asked for the wrong week off from work. I get one paid week off per year. I had intended to ask for spring break week off so that I have a chance to visit my mother in another state. For about 15 minutes or so, because I hadn’t yet received notification of this week’s work schedule, I freaked out thinking that I had asked off this coming week instead. I was totally beating myself up. I was thinking, “Oh that would be just like me! Fucking idiot. Such a tool. Why can’t you ever get things right? You’re so absent minded. What an idiot!” Oh, I was totally making myself anxious above and beyond the call of duty, because really what would it have mattered if I had asked for this week off instead of next week? I would’ve had time to do my homework no matter what. I would’ve had time to get a lot of stuff done around the apartment. The only thing that would’ve changed was my ability to visit my mother.
My anxiety thresh hold has seemed to be a lot lower lately partly because of a mess I got myself into over a piece of homework that involves asking someone to do something for us. It is a class project…long story. But because I have a problem with asking people to volunteer for things I totally put off doing it or made up excuses or self-sabotaged until the last minutes, literally. I’ve made myself sick over this project when I participated in something similar just about this time last year. I don’t know what has changed but this time around I am super sensitive to my anxiety.
Have you ever had a relationship- friendship, romantic, or otherwise- where things suddenly change for either known or unknown reasons? Things are going great but suddenly or not so suddenly things change and one or both of you realize the relationship is different. All you know is that you’re missing something that was once there. There is not quite a chill in the relationship now, something is missing. For me I know, it makes me desperately lonely because I long for how the friendship used to be.
Sometimes it feels like one of my most familiar and exciting places is now one of the most lonely and heartbreaking for me. At best I realize a certain magic is gone and I have to readjust myself to a different emotional mindset and not look for the way things used to be. At worst, I feel lonely, heartbroken, rejected, hurt, and lost. The healthy(?) part of me wonders if the friendship is worth salvaging or if it was even there to begin with. Have I just been fooling myself? Has it all been an illusion I’ve looked to for support? I valued and continue to value this person but if she is not willing to accept me for who I am and is unable or unwilling to see the issues I am working through, should I give up and grieve for what is lost?
My biggest question of all: Am I simply making too damn much of this? Part of me thinks so. And I need to find the support and love from within myself.