I took a few days off from work this week because I needed to work on myself. It has been stressful at work lately mostly because I am not sure how best to work with the current clients I have. They are who they are; I just don’t know how to help them sometimes. Honestly, I am not even sure I am cut out for the Serious Mental Illness population (SMI) anymore. So because of work stuff and professional stuff I have really had to look at my core beliefs while I’m off from work this week. I am also trying to answer the questions, “what do I really want professionally and personally? How do I create meaning for myself? How do I change my own core beliefs?”
I have this intense core belief. I always remember having it ’cause it’s kinda how I’ve centered my entire world. Let me tell you, it’s been exhausting. You know what a car sounds like when it is stuck in neutral and revs its engine? Kinda like that. My core belief goes towards worthiness. I have never known “inherent self-worth.” Self-worth has always been dependent on something, grades, socialization, not being too annoying, too needy, too lazy, whether or not Mom was happy…purpose, focus, effectiveness in professional life, etc. So given that my self-worth has always been dependent (in my perception) on external factors I have worked extremely hard (and yet still not hard enough…funny how that works) to “prove” my worthiness. It’s why I am anxious almost all of the time.
When I struggle so much to help my clients and it still not be effective I begin to question my suitability for…everything. I know, I know, I can’t change someone who doesn’t want to change or, in some cases, doesn’t recognize the need for change. I am recognizing the change I need in me. But how do I cultivate “inherent self-worth?” When I experience a really bad day, week, month, or year (cue Friends theme song), how do I change my mindset from “I fucking suck,” to “oh well tomorrow will be different and I still deserve all the good things in life?”
I noticed something else this week too. A friend of mine invited me to go to Pittsburgh with her one day this week. Instantly my emotional mind seized up with anxiety first, then a sense of wanting to withdraw, and a sense of dread. I could literally feel my body wanting to close in on itself, like the fetal position as far away from my phone as I could get without leaving the apartment. But I am also almost constantly wishing I had friends to do stuff with. It’s been so long since I had someone I could just talk to without having to worry whether I was talking too much, sharing too much, being annoying, needy… you see where this is going? Anyway I remembered the encouragement my therapist gave me back when I was still seeing her. “Reasonable risk taking” I also have to work on building my tolerance for the inevitable discomfort that most socialization causes in me.
Don’t anyone ever tell you therapists don’t have their own stuff they’re working on. We are by no means experts in the human condition. We are flawed individuals just like you are.
I’m not sure I’m done with this yet. Stay tuned.
laurablough 