Everything to Me

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I bet you think this post is about you…

Things I know to be true:

1.  It is not right to get mad at someone for the way they feel.

2.  It is not right to judge someone for the way they feel.

3.  Blame is pointless.  It gives away your power.

4.  Anger is pointless when it does not change the circumstances of a situation.

5.  Some circumstances cannot be changed.

6.  Rather than resisting and fighting what cannot be changed, growth comes when those energies are redirected to what is in your power to change.

7.  There is no one unassailable truth.

8.  Your truth is no less valid than another’s.

9.  Refusal or inability to see or consider another’s truth is harmful to both parties.

10.  You cannot take responsibility for what others understand.  You can only take responsibility for what you say and what you do.

11.  Trust and patience are essential in any relationship.

12.  You cannot change others.  You can only change yourself.

13.  Emotions/ feelings don’t always need a reason.

The Parental Bond

Do you know what it is like to live everyday feeling like you are worthless, that no matter what you do, no matter what choices you make, you are bad, wrong, a slob, stupid, fat, lazy, uncaring, insensitive, clueless, and all of the many thousands of negatives?  Do you know what it is like to hate yourself and everything that feels good to you because you believe it is wrong?  Worse than hating yourself, I think, is the pain that comes with wanting better, believing you deserve better, and the utter desolate confusion that leaves you wondering, why don’t I have better?  Why hasn’t what I loved and needed mattered?  Where did the fear come from that has prevented me for so long from asking for what I needed?  Why have so many requests I have made of myself and others felt like I was jeopardizing some essential human bond?  Where has this pure psychological terror of being utterly and completely alone come from?  It is because of this terror that I have conceded, acquiesced, and tried to create as few waves as possible.  I have failed to be brave, create excitement, and live boldly up until now because if I failed I feared there would be no place for me to return. (Emotionally more than physically)  And I blame myself for this.  I am the bad one, a gutless pansy.  I am the one who failed and who continues to fail.  Every actual failure has not only been accompanied by typical disappointment but fear and further proof that I am, in fact, unworthy.  Even when I “win” I fail.  My noticeable anxiety comes from a near constant need to justify my existence.  Doing something, sometimes anything, drowns out the incessant feelings of shame, fear, pity, regret, and self-disgust.  If I blame anyone, I blame myself.  It is to myself that I ask, why?  What did I do to deserve to hurt so badly?