I really hate this monthly mood swing bs. This month anxiety is the major player with depression and self-flagellation playing only a relatively minor role. In other months depression and mental self-abuse are overwhelmingly the main characters. It seems I can feel down or barely functional anywhere from a week to almost two weeks on most months. And my energy level is almost nonexistent. I also tend to forget little things like…forgetting my gym shoes at home as I am on my way to the gym, mixing up parts of a typical daily routine, and I have even been known to put hair gel on my face. I don’t know what triggers it but I have a sneaking suspicion of what causes it. Most of the time it is not absolutely debilitating. I can mostly suck it up and plow on, oftentimes with a nap or two, but it certainly makes it difficult to function sometimes. In contrast, this is also the time of the month I tend to feel the most insightful, introspective, and creative.
Like I said, this month anxiety is in the forefront. We have this project to do for class that involves spending art making time with a child. It is our responsibility to set this up and coordinate times and places. I have a hard enough time doing this when coordinating projects involving my classmates and now I have to call a person I don’t know to set up something I have little idea of how and what to do, be assertive and confident in my directions and requests, and do this in a timely manner. I will have to go into a new environment to interact with people I don’t know and be responsible for taking the lead in our interactions. It makes my heart pound
and it makes me want to cry or whine just thinking about it. But there are times when I feel relatively okay with it, times when I am comforted by the fact that these meetings mostly have a structure to them and comforted by the fact that my family has taken part in this exercise in past years. But I am still very nervous about interacting with these people and setting up times that are convenient to both of us.
I find myself wanting to talk to someone about my fears and having to force myself to confront the boundaries of my comfort zone or otherwise face the disapproval of the professor and probably failing the course. I somehow want someone to make this better for me. I imagine talking to Mom but in the past talking to Mom about my reluctance to do certain distasteful tasks like jobs I’ve had, homework I’ve had to do, or social events I’ve been invited to, has proven to be less than comforting. Sympathy was only nominal, if it was there at all, and more often than not, lead to me feeling even worse about my situation. A particular kind of inflexibility lead me to feel isolated and inadequate because I couldn’t just “suck it up” and do what needed to be done. Solutions were almost always along the lines of, “just do it.” I felt/ feel so alone with my feelings. And that I’ve heard and read is what is at the base of many forms of depression. And so my anxiety sits with me…and I’ve got no ally to lean on.
I wish I knew a way to make this assignment more comfortable for me.