I know I have been lax in my blogging again. Frequently it is an event that sparks my return to the blogging format. This past week my therapist informed me that my next session would be my 200th. That’s not 200 hours because she frequently goes above and beyond the therapeutic hour. We do good work together. The culmination of this work lead to a discussion of termination in the not too distant future. It excites me but scares me at the same time, not because I don’t think I could handle it but because I would miss the conversation, the processing, and the interaction. Socialization is one of the things I have to work on, developing relationships and friendships outside of the therapeutic relationship.
So that is what I have been thinking a lot about since my session early this past week. My therapist has told me often that different friends meet different needs. Someone you might hang out with at a ball game might not be someone you necessarily bring to a work party, for example. My problem, if it can be called a problem, is that I don’t really have a clear idea of what my needs are. I know I prefer more intimate social relationships than I do casual friendships. I have work friends but I don’t know how many of them I would hang out with outside of work. But then, I haven’t, so I don’t know. One of my work friends could turn out to be a bestie. I know from a social aspect I have loved my time with my therapist but I frequently confront the fact that in many of my relationships with women who are older than I am, I seek consciously or unconsciously to fill a surrogate mother/ daughter relationship. I flourish like a plant turning towards a light source in their presence. I feel like I glow with excitement. However one friend who is nearly the exact same age as my mother I see and interact with more as a peer and I don’t get that striving kind of feeling from our friendship and it feels less intimate in some ways. I guess I am trying to figure out what friendship looks like and feels like since it has been so long since I have had a relationship I could clearly define and count on as a friend. And if that striving, intimate, nourishing feeling isn’t realistic or is something I need to do for myself, then what is a friendship and how do I do that for myself? Logically I know a friendship is a connection between two people who enjoy spending time together.
Professionally, my therapist has helped me to see that I need practice in interacting socially. I have the head knowledge, as she says. But I need to develop my ability to interact with people.
I have also been wondering again about the mystery of what leads us to be drawn to one person over another. Why, for example, did I choose my therapist? She was a professor of mine during a summer studio class. There were two professors so why her and not the other woman? There was something about my therapist’s personality that I liked, obviously. Why are we drawn to some people more than others? I know some people who are perfectly nice and fine and would be a good friend probably but I am just not drawn?, compelled?, attracted?, to them as I would be to someone else. There were teachers like that in school too. As for peers I remember feeling on the outside, like a third wheel. It often didn’t feel natural. The only time it didn’t I remember was with my middle school best friend. I remember that same sense of inclusion during the Curves trip to see the Pirates play. I was part of the group…I am getting off track.
Now as for that sense of belonging I know I felt somewhat separate from the group during my grad school experience. There were groups of people who hung out together, smallish little groups of 2-3-4 people, and I didn’t really feel like I was a part of one of those. I felt separate. It was a lonely feeling but not unfamiliar.
One of the reasons I like working at Giant Eagle is that sense of belonging. People know me. Coworkers can count on me. They see me as a good worker. I have been there long enough to be a part of that camaraderie that comes from working in the trenches of a service industry. I can joke freely and I am confident enough in the duties of my job that I can get in there and work as hard as the best of them. Best of all are the regular customers. I remember when I first started at Giant Eagle that I admired and longed for that sense of community. Now I am one of those who can say, “Mr. So-and-so, you’re by yourself today!” or “Hey! You’re late today.” I can joke with the regulars and they know me. And in that sense, beyond the monetary one, working at Giant Eagle meets a very big need of togetherness and community, for me.
So…my point. Friendship. What is it? What does it mean? What needs does it meet? How do I know if my expectations are too high?