Addendum

Some people have fragile egos,

although they like to pretend and deny.

Some people live in illusions,

thinking they have the solutions.

Some people jump to conclusions,

while living in confusion.

Some people fear exclusion,

based on delusion.

Some people like to pry,

while living a lie.

Some people like to hide,

fearful of the ride.

Some people start a scandal,

when there is something they can handle.

Some people misunderstand,

when there is a problem at hand.

Some people defend,

it’s unclear what they intend.

Some people care,

too much to bare.

Some people assume,

not given enough room.

Some people are drastic,

and make themselves sick.

Some people are nosy;

What it is they don’t see.

Some people are bruised,

from being easily used.

Some people are scared,

to do more than they have dared.

Some people are lonely,

one and only.

And some people wonder,

“Is this she

or is this

me?

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Don’t you know the meaning of the word “No?”

My trainer told gym members about this “Resolutions” group, kind of an advanced class for a more intense workout.  It’s something I really want to join in order to get a better work out and greater stress relief but my trainer said I had to learn to do one of the machines better first.  I understand this.  The way the whole conversation went though I ended up feeling like I just wasn’t good enough for the advanced class.  I’m by no means a beginner member and I am sure I am above the moderate members.  I am dedicated and I work hard.  It irritated made me angry.  Like, how dare she tell me what I can and cannot do!  But also in describing the class the trainer said the member has to be receptive to guidance, which I am.  If it gets me a better workout where I can develop more muscle tone then I am willing to learn.  I don’t like feeling excluded for not being “good enough.”

There was another member, working out across from me, who said, “Oh no, I don’t like people telling me what to do.”  This member is a nice woman but rather stubborn in what she does and does not like to do.  She comes in and works out to think she’s doing something.  She complains a lot when and if the music is too loud.  (This isn’t a library; it’s a gym!)  

Anyway, the trainer making it seem as if I am not good enough for her advanced group made me work even harder on the last few machines in my circuit and especially when I got home where I usually do a little extra.  This trainer is all about the positive mindset thing, ‘choose joy,’ and all of that, which I can understand and support but what irritates me is that it is not always that simple.  At the same time I think about how often I over-think things and I think maybe it is that simple.  Yeah, I might have trouble saying “no” but it is not always a bad thing.  I had the ability to say “yes” or “no” yesterday when I was asked to work extra hours.  I just couldn’t make myself say “no.”  I had the opportunity to help out so I did.  I felt wrong though for not being able to see things so positively and being able to be positive and forward thinking is also a requirement for this group.

Many times it doesn’t seem realistic to me.  You are living in denial if you refuse to see the reality of the situation.  The reality of my situation is that I have a hard time saying “no” to people.  If someone asks me for something I automatically make their request a priority,  Even if I had something to do yesterday that would have made it difficult for me to work I would have put the request ahead of whatever it was I had to do.  I put others needs ahead of my own.

Normally I am not a very social person at all but at work I don’t have the same kind of problems because people are coming to me; they are asking something of me, and I am not asking anything of them.  I am there to serve them.  On the other hand, at work, I have a very difficult time calling back to the grocery department or wherever if someone needs to know a price or whether we have more of a certain product.  In that case I am asking something of someone else and potentially being an inconvenience.  Which is why I have a hard time saying “no” to people.  If it is something I can do then I the word “no,” or the concept, virtually disappears.

In My Own Skin

I’m having a hard time turning down the mental noise this morning.  There are things I should be doing, things I want to be doing, and then there are the things I feel like doing.  It is hard to sort them all out and make sense of them all especially since a number of them cancel out each other.  There is also a sense of urgency as classes for the semester start again next week and that brings on a whole different set of anxieties.  And one of the people the one person who helps me sort this all out (my therapist) is not available to me….What am I talking about?  I haven’t talked a lot about my day to day anxieties with her.  I’ve mostly talked about the big picture stuff.  But my point is I am having trouble finding an outlet for all of this stuff.  And I feel like I don’t have time to deal with it because of all of the stuff I should be doing.  Cleaning, get blood work done, get meds from the pharmacy, read and prep for class, work on projects I won’t have time for during the semester…What I feel like doing?  Curl up in a blanket, read, nap, write…What I want to do: get out of my head and not be ruled by shoulds and shouldn’ts.  I can’t be inactive the way I want to be because I will remain too much in my head and think too much.

I’m restless.  It’s like being itchy but not having any place to scratch.  I’m not comfortable in my own skin this morning.  When I feel this way I try to go for a walk or involve myself in some other physical activity.  I’ve already been to the gym this morning and it is too messy out to go for a walk.  Another option would be to walk around the mall but that environment, I feel, would have the tendency to irritate me today.  All of that excess commercialism and lack of originality…And so I’m left to distract myself and wring my hands and fight the urge to crawl into bed, if I don’t scream first.

Touch

Typically I am a very nervous and anxiety ridden person.  This is evidenced by many different things.  At work I tend to ring up customers as quickly and efficiently as possible which can be a good thing but I frequently have customers who tell me to slow down and take a deep breath.  Anyway therapy sessions are no different.  Even when I am sitting down I am constantly moving and fidgeting.  I pick at my nails and sometimes it is almost as if my whole body is humming.

Anyway last session, towards the end of the session, my therapist leans over and says she wants to try something.  She reaches out and asks me to give her my hand.  She holds my hand as if we were about to shake hands, and bends her head as if she were praying.  We sat that way for a few seconds.  I was nervous at first but felt myself relax into the experience.  When my therapist let go she said that except for a slight waver in the beginning there was none of the excess energy I normally display.  She said she wanted to see if she could feel the anxiety evident in my normal behavior.  She asked me how it was for me.  I told her honestly that I was nervous at first but that it felt good.  I rather bland comment, I wasn’t sure of the statement that it felt good until I amended it with the comment, “I don’t know.  I am not touched very often.”  The truth of that admission made me realize how big of an impact simply holding my hand made on me.

For someone who isn’t as self-aware as I am, for someone who is not as…regulated as I am, I can see how potentially confusing such an experience would be.  But for me…almost two days later, I am still marveling at how much meaning a simple hand holding can have.  My inner child is clinging to the experience and the adult part of me is having a hard time trying to discourage or reign in such unrealistic expectations.  It is really difficult for me, even knowing what I know about my experiences and the therapeutic process, to keep separate my inner child from the adult world.  Like my therapist said, in reference to something else, I have to learn to seek emotional nourishment from within myself.

Things I Don’t Like at the Grocery Store

First of all, we all do these things, even me.  As a cashier, I complain but I do them too sometimes.

The light above my register is off.  My closed sign is up.  People still ask me if my line is open.

Customers who like to pile their groceries high, like it is a game of Jenga.  It is not helpful to me to have to pull down a tower of paper towels.

Customers who throw down their keys and expect me to find their store card.

Customers who stack their card on their groceries and hide their coupons in with the groceries.

Customers who hold their groceries back on a moving belt.  The belt will keep moving until there is something to block the sensor.

Customers who constantly touch and move their groceries after they are on the belt.

Customers who front load their groceries.  As soon as I pick something up off of the belt it is replaced by another item.

Customers who stack their items on the belt to the absolute limit so that the items have a tendency to fall across the scanner when I haven’t finished with the previous customer.

Customers who thrust their store card in my face when I haven’t finished with the previous customer.

Customers who see my open lane with no one in it and say things like, “Are you waiting for me?” “You look bored/ lonely.” “Are you open?”  Do you know how many times I have to hear this a day?

Customers who put their hand basket on the belt without unloading it.  I’m short.  Do you know how much of a pain it is to reach up and over the edge of the basket?

For the express lane:  The sign reads ’12 items or fewer’ and not ‘the rules don’t apply to you’ and certainly not ’12 items plus or minus 24 other things.’

For the love of God, if you don’t want something, hand it to me and don’t stick your can of hair spray in the candy rack.

Seriously, the line is 6 people deep and you have one item?  Learn to use the self scan check-out lanes.