At the suggestion of a friend of mine I decided to write an update entry. In the past I’ve often written when I was upset or bothered by something. Perhaps it is time for a different perspective.
Two months ago I got a new job. One job. One paycheck. Complete days off instead of partial. I feel so blessed to be working a job and feeling like I am FINALLY getting somewhere instead of just treading water. These past two months I’ve been excited to go to work for the first time I can ever remember and I don’t have to worry whether it will pay the bills. It has been such a long time since I’ve had an ever so slight flexibility in my bank account.
I am learning so much too! I can use what knowledge I already have.
When a person or a family is confined by their paycheck or lack of paycheck it is very hard to be hopeful and growth minded. When your primary concern is survival, growth becomes almost impossible. Everyday a person can read these “positive thinking” quotes or listen to podcasts or absorb the cultural messages that “if you just think it and work hard you will manifest your greatest self.” While I appreciate the sentiment it is really condescending and disingenuous to the family who is wondering how to pay rent or waiting in line at the food bank. Their priorities, my priority was surviving and I was in a much better place than most when I was working two jobs. It is very difficult to be growth minded when you work yourself to exhaustion and feel hopeless. Now this all can sound very condescending from a well-educated white chick but I am honestly amazed at the strength these families have and the sacrifices they make.
Now that I am in a better place financially my struggles with other issues seem more manageable. Socially, eh, I’m working on it. Expanding my therapeutic skills, I probably have a long way to go. My anxiety is still present, especially when I am aware of all of my flaws and weaknesses (areas of growth). But the biggest change is finally, finally I can see the light at the end of the tunnel (and it is not just an oncoming train) and I can see a future. I am finally able to judge my weaknesses and flaws with ever so slightly more perspective. I am working on not judging my weaknesses and flaws as disqualifications for my worth as a human being. Okay so maybe I am not as assertive or outgoing as would be beneficial in my profession. Maybe I don’t respond as therapeutically, maybe I share too much, maybe I am little more than a friendly face… I idolize people too readily, sometimes, to the point I disregard or cannot see or trust my own judgement. I can always find my flaws before someone else points them out to me. My strengths are what I need to concentrate on and finally I feel like I can (at least a little).
I am a writer. I am smart (thanks Mom and Dad). I enjoy my time alone. I enjoy intelligent conversation. I know what I like and what I don’t like. I am creative. I love art. I love writing. Now how do I make the best use of my strengths. Grant writer? Art therapy advocate? Art therapist (if I am even no so awkward and clumsy) Author?
So what I am asking from the universe is help in keeping things in perspective. Help me weigh my strengths more than my weaknesses. Help me value myself and my contributions. Help the anxieties and “less than” feelings fade away. Help me find my place in the world.