A Dream Deferred

So it has become apparent this week that I will not be able to start my second internship until the Fall semester.  School supervision, provided by the program’s professors, is extremely limited this summer and so I will begin again in the Fall.  Part of me, a largish part, feels like this is a good thing as I was getting stressed about where I’d go and what I still have to do in terms of contracts and clearances and things.  And that part feels relieved about the decision being taken out of our hands.  Also that’s not to mention the stress I was feeling about actually going back and whether or not I could actually do the work.  Waiting until the Fall is a good thing because I can spend more time with the material.  I can also continue working on myself.  Doing internship in the Fall versus doing it in the Summer might be the difference between doing it and doing it well.  There are times I feel like I am a good distance away from the scared and uncertain and fragile person I was, and there are other times I feel very close to her.  I still question myself.  How far onto solid ground am I?  I listen to friends sometimes who are in the same place I was and it’s like, now that I have my feet under me a little better, I am holding onto the end of a rope trying to help them up, trying to help lighten the load for them.  I don’t have many worries that they’ll pull me under.  It is up to me to maintain my own footing or not.  I do slide backwards sometimes; we all do.

But my anxiety comes from feeling like I’ve been studying for a test the whole time and being afraid I’ll forget it all by the time I can take the test.  The test being Internship.  I feel like after limping through, with debatable success, the first half of Internship and being strongly encouraged to take a semester off, this semester has been like remedial work.  It has been beneficial, as remedial courses tend to be, but there is embarrassment and shame attached, the same as if I were again taking remedial math.  What are you, stupid?  What’s wrong with you that you can’t do what everyone else is doing?  Such strong flashbacks that bring tears to my eyes.

On the other hand, I am thinking, “This has been good for me.”  How many people can or will allow themselves to take the extra time?  It is what is good and right for me.  How many people allow the expectations of others determine what is good and right for them?  Don’t get me wrong, there is a huge part of me that is worried about that too, but at least I think I can say it is not as “loud” and overpowering as it used to be.  I can’t help but hear those voices that say, “Who the fuck do you think you’re kidding?  Maybe you are just not cut out for this.  Why don’t you just grow up already?  You just have to DO IT.  WHAT is your problem?”  To that I say, I don’t have a problem.  This is just what I have to do.  I am living my life and doing what is in me to do.  And most of all I say, “No.  I don’t want to listen to you anymore.”  And now I don’t have to.

The only question is, now that I won’t have student loan money coming in this Summer, how am I going to afford to live on my paycheck, still maintain my sanity, and do the necessary work that will allow me to return to school in the Fall?

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