My heart is filled with gratitude today. My…being has changed since moving up here to Western PA and there is one particular person I feel has a lot to do with it. I am so glad to call her friend. As she is a trainer at the gym I go to, a part of me does doubt. It is her job to encourage, advise, and help support members. But even if these activities have just been a part of her job description, she’s got me. I don’t need to be convinced. I will continue going to the gym just for the way the trainers make their members feel whether it is out of legitimate connection or just part of the job description. In any case I am so grateful to have this friend. I was lacking something, needing something, when I moved here and she has helped to fill a hole and has helped me to see that this hole can be filled. It will take a lot of work and I doubt sometimes, okay, frequently, that I ever will be whole but she has helped me see the light at the end of the tunnel and has helped me to see that I can keep going. I don’t have to settle for the darkness. The effort, the task, the journey, as long as it may be is something worthwhile to be accomplished. I just hope I can get to a place where I have genuine self-compassion and confidence before it is too late for me to truly enjoy…self-actualization.
Still as encouraging as I have found many of my associations up here to be I have this deep core of fear and anxiety that has not been greatly impacted yet. I think of an allegorical story of a large brass ball and the dove. Every thousand years the dove flies past this brass globe and lightly brushes it with its wing. The story goes that when this brass ball is reduced to dust then that will be the end of eternity. I feel the same way about some…deeply entrenched part of my personality. But where reducing the brass ball to dust seems unimaginable I have the slim hope that one day I will no longer fear rejection. I will no longer feel I have to justify my existence. I will no longer feel I have to earn the things I have a right to simply by existing. I will be sure I am loved for me. I will be sure of my place in the world. I won’t feel as if I have to apologize or make excuses for who I am.
But like many others I am looking for the quick fix. Tell me what to take, where to go, what to do, so that I can feel better as soon as possible. I did the work, the hard work, when I lost weight and I know that a quick fix or a detour around the hard work cannot be found when it comes to weight loss, no matter what the drug companies say. But I suppose, for me, I want a detour around the inevitable pain that will come with putting the psychological pieces together. I want to be whole, happy, and ready to go after what I want, right now! The hard work scares me and discourages me just like those who seek weight loss. “But it is so long and so hard, why should I even try? It is just easier to stay where I am.” Which is why what I receive at the gym from my friend the trainer is so incredibly important to me. The support is essential no matter what the case. Like another friend said, “It is time to decide whether it is more uncomfortable to stay where you are or whether it will be more uncomfortable pursuing who you can be?” I had a very strong motivation/ motivator to lose weight. I need to develop as strong a motivator to heal myself.