Alternate Reality

I have a need for approval, especially from authority figures.  I know this.  I know why too, I think.  Some are balms to the soul who embody characteristics that nourish me in ways I have yet to learn to nourish myself.  They are kind, supportive, encouraging, demonstrative in their care and concern, embracing…They are so incredible that sometimes I want to break down and cry in their presence because I am just so moved by their unconditional love.  Others have some of those qualities but they are further beneath the surface.  They are more forbidding and standoffish which only makes their approval that much more attractive.  Position of authority=superiority   Approval=equality with superiority     Equality with superiority= being good enough=being worthy

People tell me that I’ve got to learn to love myself and accept my mistakes.  But I don’t think it is a matter of accepting my mistakes, not yet anyway.  Right now and up until now the lens through which I see myself has been skewed.  If you asked me, and especially on a bad day, the person I’d describe would probably have the 7 deadly sins covered and then some.  I’d be the lowest of the low.  Learning to love and accept that person is not something I want to do.  What I need is to see more of my strengths as clearly as or more clearly than I see my flaws.

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