I wish I knew why I was tired so much of the time. This morning I think I might be able to attribute it to the half Benadryl I took last night before bed. 99.9% of the time I can power through these days. My off days range on a spectrum of feeling like a limp noodle (like my grandma used to say) and wanting to lay face down, in bed, and not move, having to psych myself up to do little things like homework and go to my job. The degree to which I feel this way varies. The amount of effort I have to put out varies. Then there are the few, very few days, where I feel relatively good. I can power through things and get stuff accomplished. I don’t feel like all I want to do is veg out on the couch. Although even on most of these days a nap looks good to me.
I have had my vitamin levels tested, all normal. My thyroid (under active) is monitored once a year. I am on anti-depressants/ anti-anxiety meds. So what’s the deal? Is it my allergies that are only partially mollified by the pill I take for them?
I have often wondered whether I am getting enough carbs and/ or protein in my diet. I certainly drink plenty of water. I have wondered whether I am getting too much sugar or too little, too much sodium. I live in fear of gaining too much weight and yet at some point gaining muscle has become a vague sort of goal. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to relax my attention to my body weight/ image. Even though my pills have relieved my anxieties ever so slightly I am still incredibly anal when it comes to the standards to which I hold myself.
All of the talk in the media has been about how to lose weight. What about those of us who want to gain healthy weight? (Or at least think they do) I hate how much this has become a part of my life and that in an undefined way it has become a measure by which I judge how worthy I am and how good my character is.
How much protein should I have really? How many calories should I consume really? What can rid me of this apathy?